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Turkey dinner conversation likely to be about anything

We could all help our country this Thanksgiving. Our nation needs clarity and definition on one issue that seems to be floating around a lot lately: water boarding. Is it torture? Is it one word or two? Why not use the dining room table this year to sort out this mess about torture? As we stuff ourselves on Pilgrim food that symbolizes the historic and grateful founding of this country through immigration at the expense of the Native American, let’s imagine how the conversation might go over the river and through the woods.
Grandpa Bob: ‘Tell that woman writing up there to get down off her soapbox. This is the most powerful nation on earth. Indians don’t have it so bad. Why do you think we call this state Indiana?’
Grandma Doris: ‘Now, honey, let’s not get started on that, or whether waterboarding ‘ it is one word ‘ constitutes torture according to the Geneva Convention.’
Second Son Nick: ‘I don’t think fake drowning works to make people talk. One time a wave slammed me upside down and I thought I was drowning, and it didn’t make me tell anybody I was gay or anything.’
Very Little Bobby: ‘Torture is eating these peas.’
Very Little Bobby’s Mom: ‘Sweetie, I don’t think that we should make light of such a serious subject, now should we. People are being tortured all over the world, and you can just eat those peas and be glad it’s not any worse.’
Grandpa Bob: ‘Torture, schmorture. We need information to protect our shores from enemy invaders. If those Indians had worked over those Roanoke people who disappeared, maybe they would have known there were more of us coming.’
Daughter Becky: ‘Wait a minute. Are you for the Indians or not?’
Grampa Bob: ‘I’m talking about torture here, not Indians. Sometimes when the United States needs it, torture should be OK. That Geneva Convention bunch needs to understand that there needs to be a double standard written in for us because we’re the good guys.’
Nick’s Friend Jim: ‘That’s nuts. These mashed potatoes are so creamy.’
Second Son Nick: ‘Got it. The mother said it in ‘While You Were Sleeping.’ John McCain was tortured in Vietnam and is against torture. Period. I’m with him.’
Grandma Doris: ‘I can’t believe that we are talking about torture at the dinner table. It seems so inappropriate.’
Daughter Becky: ‘When else are we going to do it, Mom? It’s hard to get together for stuff like that these days. Even Congress can’t discuss it all the time.’
Grampa Bob: ‘Not with a four-day work week on the agenda. These Democrats just don’t want to work, or torture, or do anything anymore.’
Very Little Bobby: ‘Is waterboarding what we did at the ocean, Mommy?’
Very Little Bobby’s Mom: ‘No, honey.’
Very Little Bobby: ‘What is it?’
VLB’s Mom: ‘I think you place the terrorist or anyone you need to torture on a plank that slants backward for some reason … not sure … and then you put a sloshy rag or something in their mouth … and they think they are drowning … and you do this over and over … I guess I should have read that article in Martha Stewart Living.’
Grandma Doris: ‘Oh dear. Oh dear … ‘
First Son Bob: ‘It’s OK, Mom. That’s it. No more torture talk. It’s upsetting Mom.’
Grampa Bob: ‘If you can’t take the heat, then get out of the kitchen. This country needs to toughen up and take control, even when people everywhere don’t like it.’
Nick’s Friend Jim: ‘I’m sorry it’s so hot in the kitchen, Doris. Are there anymore noodles in there before you leave it?’
Second Son Nick: ‘Aren’t you talking about a dictatorship, or a fascist government, Dad?’
Daughter Becky: ‘He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.’
Grampa Bob: ‘Hey, watch out there young lady. This is your Dad you’re talking to. Just because you have 12 degrees from some big college somewhere doesn’t mean you know more than me about torture and living under the thumb of the oppressor.’
Daughter Becky: ‘Good grief. Mom, these sweet potatoes are yummy.’
Very Little Bobby’s Mom (leaning over and whispering): ‘I brought those. They are really brussels sprouts. You just run them through the processor after steaming. Add two cups of brown sugar to mask the taste and mix red and yellow food coloring to get that orange-ish color. He needed something green. I have that new cookbook that tells you how to misrepresent to your children what they are eating.’
First Son Bob: ‘I’m done.’
Daughter Becky: ‘Me, too.’
Nick and Friend in unison: ‘Let’s play Guitar Hero III!’
Grampa Bob: ‘Hold on. Hold on here. What’s this about you being gay?’