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Skinny was ugly in the good ol’ days

Ah, the good ol’ days. I remember when a candy bar or a bottle of soda was a nickel. I remember when gas was 23 cents a gallon and postage was 2 cents.
I remember when tattoos weren’t cool, and I remember when penny loafers were. I remember black and white TV, and actually, I remember when we had no TV at all.
I remember Elvis, and Rin Tin Tin (wasn’t that a weird name for a dog?). I remember when people wore clothes that really fit them, and folks, I even remember when skinny was ugly.
Now I’m not sure what brings about changes such as that, but sure enough, I remember, clear as day, yep, skinny was ugly.
Remember that song, ‘Who’ll Take the Lady With the Skinny Legs’? Man, back then, all of us guys thought that was one cool song. It made perfect sense. No one wanted to be seen with a skinny girl. We didn’t really actually say that, but it was a given.
I mean, why do you think Olive Oil was so ugly? I’ll tell you why, because she was skinny. Heck, Brutus didn’t really want Olive Oil; he just liked beating up on Popeye.
Yeah, I remember when I was in high school, all of the cheerleaders were kind of cute, but it was a girl named Brenda, who had a few pounds on the rest of them, that all the boys had a crush on. Man, she was a good-looking woman. But she always dated some guy that was a science nut and had absolutely no personality. If she had just taken the time to get to know me, I know I would have impressed her with all of my talents, intelligence, wit and ‘ sense of humor.
And I remember going to a dance at school, wearing my new slacks and tie-dye shirt (and penny loafers) and thinking I was looking pretty cool. I planned on dancing with Brenda, because I knew that the science guy never came to any of the dances. But when I got there, sure enough, there was Brenda sitting at a table with Pete the science geek, and most of the other girls had already been claimed. I looked around, desperate, and saw that the only girl sitting by herself was Sandy, the skinniest girl in the whole world. Well, I had to dance with somebody, didn’t I? I never lived that one down. On the bus the next morning, one of the guys started in on me.
‘I saw you dancing with a broom handle last night, or was that Sandy? Man, she’s the perfect date for you. You never have any money, and she doesn’t eat much. It’s a match made in heaven.’
Now, you know how it is in high school. Of course, I didn’t know it at the time, but once you dance with someone, you’re permanently assigned to that person, and all the other girls won’t have a thing to do with you because you’re ‘taken.’ Man, I didn’t want to be ‘taken’; I had all kinds of plans, and most of them didn’t include a broom handle.
Eventually, some guy named Calvin developed a crush on Sandy, and saved me from beating myself to death with a geography book.
Then, sometime after high school, some nut in Paris, or actually, I think it was one of those women who owned a fashion magazine, convinced other women that ‘skinny’ was pretty. Do you believe it? I know it wasn’t a man, because we all know better. And thank goodness no one ever convinced women that men look better skinny. Can’t you just imagine what that would do to the cheeseburger business?
Now, we see all those skinny girls who look as if they just got out of a concentration camp where they lived on bread and water for months, in the fashion shows. They strut down the runway, looking like walking coat hangers. They’re supposed to appeal to someone, but I’m not sure who.
I’ll tell you guys, we lucked out. Because when it comes to men, skinny is still ugly. Why do you think Mick Jagger never gets any ‘satisfaction.’ The poor fellow looks as if there’s not a good ‘satisfaction’ left in him. Now if he’d drink about six milkshakes a day and chow down on the Big Macs, he’d be as desirable as the rest of us guys. But, of course, everybody can’t look good. Only those of us who look like pears with toothpick legs. Heck, I’ll bet Sandy still wants me.

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