Posted on

Satan is in my tuna sandwich

No, that’s just mercury ‘ created by a higher power to damage the reproductive abilities of those who dine on aquatic vertebrates.
You see, I’m a vegetarian, and fish is meat no matter what my grandma says. I made the decision to quit eating meat about six months ago, and it appears that decision is endorsed by the Almighty.
Some allege that AIDS is God’s wrath directed at ‘sinners.’
‘This plague brought to you by The Supreme Being.’
A caller once informed us that ‘the Devil is in ‘Harry Potter.’ ‘
‘This book dedicated to Beelzebub of the third plane of Hell.’
I’m simply saying that mercury-tainted seafood is a divine means of ending the reproductive capability of non-vegetarians.
‘Sorry, Charlie.’
The Lord and the Dark Lord are assigned credit for all sorts of things ‘ books, plagues, rock songs.
‘Hey, that wasn’t mine. That was LSD.’
All this credit is a little tough to substantiate sometimes.
Mayor Carolyn Risher saw a rise in sin in Inglis, Fla., a couple years ago, so she issued a proclamation declaring Satan powerless over the town’s citizens. The American Civil Liberties Union considered a challenge to the proclamation but was strangely impotent inside town limits.
(Just a little joke for the conservatives.)
‘I’ll see your Satan and raise you a Jesus,’ said an Internet surfer who directed me to Ella Huffin.
Huffin, 63, spotted what she described as an image of Jesus holding a baby on a tree outside her Milwaukee home. The divine perennial made the nightly news.
Look no further than the marquee for supernatural sightings.
So many choices. ‘The Passion of The Christ’ will likely get a boost from the Easter holiday. At the moment ‘Hell Boy’ is leading at the box office, but he’s a good Hell Boy (in a bad movie).
In 1968, Satan possessed Mick Jagger, who sang lyrics written in first person and taunted listeners, asking them to guess his name. No one seemed to catch on, and ‘The Rolling Stones’ had yet another greatest hit to be released on 50 greatest hits albums.
In October 1977, Maria Rubio found Jesus in the tortilla that was to be part of her husband Eduardo’s breakfast.
Why would Jesus appear in a tortilla? Isn’t it kind of blasphemous to suggest that the Messiah is playing with food?
Two years later, the Devil went down to Georgia, and nobody seemed to mind. In fact, we got a pretty great fiddlin’ song out of it.
Is it possible that people who credit the supreme forces of good and evil aren’t acting on any concrete evidence? It would be one thing if Satan were issuing declarations of responsibility after terrorist blasts or episodes of ‘The Osbourne Family Show,’ but sometimes the connections are awfully loose, and the alleged activities of dark and light forces have surprising outcomes.
The ban on Satan in Inglis caused tourism to soar as visitors searched hopefully for a glimpse of the Lord of Darkness. They thought he must really have a foothold if the mayor issued a decree to dislodge him. Liquor sales increased considerably.
Harry Potter popularized reading among millions of children.
Eduardo Rubio never got to eat his tortilla.