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Making a resumé they can’t refuse

Charles Ewry

In today’s progressive workplace and time of delusions of economic recovery, innovative resumés using the techniques described in this column are shuffled to the top of the stack.
Perhaps you’re unemployed and wonder what makes me an authority? The answer is simple. I have a job and you don’t.
Let’s start at the beginning.
A splash of color never hurts, whether it’s cornflower blue, fuchsia or eye-catching Mongolian Gerbil agouti. Papyrus scrolls are always nice, though a bit ostentatious.
Use at least three cover sheets. The first could be a giant metal plate, the same as Madonna’s (best-selling) ‘Sex’ book. Or, my personal favorite, the resumé could be bound within a Meade Trapper Keeper (a popular and rather large binder from the ’80s).
Remember the first few weeks of school, when your Trapper Keeper was almost empty and all your books kept sliding off the top when stacked?
Well the same will happen to any resumés placed on top of your beveled Trapper Keeper resumé, moving it literally to the top of the resumé pile.
After the cover page (or Keeper) there should be a mysterious and profound dedication.
‘To R.W. The suffering you’ve caused has only made my resumé stronger.’
Now to the actual body of the resumé.
Get personal. Do some ‘research,’ and use the name and any other personal information regarding your reader to establish a sense of fraternity.
‘I’m glad you’ll be reading my resumé this morning, June.
‘According to Kabalarian Philosophy, your name has given you an appreciation of the business world and the handling of finances. You could do well in the sales field. However, this name has made you rather aggressive, shrewd and critical, and you have difficulty expressing your softer, more feminine qualities.
‘The home at 326 Roosevelt was a good purchase. Tell little Jimmy hello. He just turned five, didn’t he?’
At this point, the reader probably feels they absolutely must hire you, but our work isn’t done.
Spill just a bit of coffee on one corner of a prominent page in the resumé. No decaf. Coffee drinkers are more productive. Employers know this, and that’s why most offer free coffee.
Coffee is the Henry V of the workplace.
‘[I]mitate the action of the tiger;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood.’
I hear that every time I drink a cup.
And that’s about what happens.
Caffeine looks like adenosine to a nerve cell. However, instead of slowing the cell’s activity, it results in increased neuron firing in the brain, stimulating a pituitary response which ultimately leads to a release of adrenaline.
How could there be a downside to that?
Dilated pupils, open breathing tubes, tensed muscles, increased heart rate and blood sugar. All the necessary tools for any demanding white-collar profession.
Make sure to list all of your accomplishments. If you won O’Bannon Publishing Co.’s First Baby Contest in 1963, your prospective employer might be interested in bringing that assertiveness to his or her team.
If mailing the resumé, there should be a handwritten destination, no return address, excessive postage and lots of Scotch tape. Wad up the envelope once so it’s nice and crinkly.
Sorry. Sorry.
Those are pointers for mailing anthrax in a nondescript way.
Later, we’ll deal with job applications and trick questions like, ‘Have you ever committed a felony?’ and ‘Reason for leaving?’ in an epic exposition on ‘The art of making excuses.’