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Tried, untrue formula for humor

Randy West’s column ‘Leave the gays alone’ (Aug. 13, 2003) has been awarded a ‘gold star,’ several kudos, a berating or two, and the ‘Dumbest of the Dumb’ prize by our readership. He’s presently out having his kudos framed.
I wonder where he’ll stick the ‘Dumbest’ prize?
My writing never wins anything. I guess that’s why he’s the editor.
Also, in response to the ‘Gays’ column, a caller suggested that Randy isn’t a true Christian. I take issue with that. Randy is to Christians what Arnold Schwarzenegger is to Republicans. In a recent campaign speech, Arnold said, Randy will be vindicated come election time.
Anyhow, my ‘Ramblings of an empty mind’ column received a similarly polarized response. Some hated it, and some people told me I ‘look’ like columnist Dave Berry. I’ve entered my likeness in several press association competitions.
Once again, my random-humor stomach is full, and I’ve decided to empty its contents all over the Opinion page.
(Don’t scratch and sniff.)
So, here’s what has been on my mind lately.
‘ Harrison County’s recycling centers won’t be accepting O’Bannon Publishing Co.’s surplus newspapers. The centers are already having difficulty keeping up with household recycling.
This drives at the heart of a very important issue. There is simply too much recycling going on.
It’s one thing to have some recycling, but we can’t let this turn into an epidemic. I mean, everyone might get the idea into their heads to recycle, and where would the world be then?
‘ I’ve discovered a major flaw in the publishing industry.
In my younger days, I was a big fan of Little Golden Books. The print was nice and large. The illustrations were excellent. Nice, quality books.
About the time I was 10, I fell in love with the subject of aeolian, volcanic, periglacial, fluvial and mass movement geomorphic processes ‘ all of which presently occur, or have occurred in the history of Mars ‘ but the text was so tiny, and my eyesight wasn’t as keen as it had been at 8.
Publishers, you need to make the words bigger on the hard stuff. Old people read it, and they can’t see. Make tiny print in coloring books. The kids need more Crayola-able surface area.
‘ Keith Gibson of Gibby Dog fame has extensive military service. He has served his country, and now he is serving Corydonites hot dogs, brats and Polish sausages.
As a highly-trained survivalist, Gibson knows how long he can survive in 20-degree water without protective gear or at what altitude he can still boil water at a hot enough temperature to cook Ramen noodles.
But, most importantly, he can tell you that on a 95-degree day it will take approximately 10 minutes for a hot dog-stand patron to ‘ralph’ a Gibby.
That’s why, on a 95-degree day, you won’t be able to purchase a hot dog, brat or Polish sausage from Gibson. However, they are delicious and digestible at non-extreme temperatures.
‘ Next time you lose your patience while waiting at the intersection in front of Wal-Mart, remember, things could be worse. Right now, somewhere in the world, someone is being summarily executed.
Also, consider that Ashton Kutcher leaves Demi Moore every day to go to work with Britney Spears on the set of the upcoming ‘Dukes of Hazard’ film for which he will be paid a seven-figure sum.
See, other people have it much, much worse.
‘ Referring to my column ‘And to think, no one likes a tax collector,’ a Live Wire caller said, ‘If I were going to tell the world that I was too dumb to realize no state tax was being withheld from my salary and that the unpaid tax was never charged to my credit card, I don’t think I’d be criticizing the intelligence of someone else.’
My advice is to be bold, and remember, no matter how dumb you are, there is always someone dumber, er, less smart. And you should make fun of those people because it is therapeutic.
‘ Now, this is the part where I’m supposed to bring all these seemingly unrelated and hopefully humorous little blurbs together. This is going to be tough.
OK, I think I’ve got it.
Randy West, Ashton Kutcher and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a boat …