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Saddam Hussein and in-vitro fertilization

Graduate students receive tons of offers to donate sperm. So do doctors, athletes and other exceptional individuals.
It’s true.
Imagine if Michael Jordan donated sperm to thousands of people, and in about 18 years the NCAA was full of freshmen who looked strangely like Mike. It would be like that Gatorade commercial: Mike vs. Mike vs. Mike. Imagine if Ben Stein did the same and a bunch of junior Ben Steins showed up on his game show trying to “Win Ben Stein’s Money.”
That’s probably why a bunch of people running around Iraq look like Saddam Hussein.
Then again, maybe there aren’t any Saddam impersonators. Maybe Americans just think all Iraqis look alike. It’s the same principle as people who can’t tell the difference between Arsenio Hall and Eddie Murphy or Cuba Gooding Jr. and Darius Rucker – often mistakenly known as “Hootie.”
At any rate, it’s safe to say that Saddam will come out of “Operation Enduring Freedom” unscathed. Yeah, there will probably be some dead guy who looks like Saddam, but it won’t be him.
Saddam will be sipping on a cocktail with a little umbrella at some resort in the Caribbean. He’ll be sharing room on Osama bin Laden’s prayer rug which will double as a beach towel five times each day.
I wonder what those guys will talk about?
Saddam will probably pay Elvis to write a bunch of “patriotic” songs. Oddly, they’ll all be songs about the wisdom, virility, stunning good looks and impeccable penmanship of Saddam, but he won’t have any state-controlled radio stations to spin his tunes on.
Exile is going to be a tough adjustment.
No more best-selling novels. No more beheading those who don’t think he has got a natural ear for the lute. No more giant portraits on the sides of buildings. No more laying the sword of Jihad on anyone’s neck.
Which brings up the toughest task facing Saddam in exile: toning down his rhetoric.
While trying to sell an image of a peace-loving Iraq, Saddam was stepping onto his balcony in full military dress and blasting off a few rounds.
When Dubya referred to Saddam as “a cancer,” Saddam struck back with “evil little Bush.”
OK, maybe that’s a bad example, but about the third time Saddam threatens to use his scimitar to spill the mongrel blood of some Jamaican bartender for failing to make the perfect mai tai, see if the resort manager doesn’t bring Saddam’s continued residence to a vote.
As with all of Saddam’s elections, the outcome will be unanimous.